Healthy Relationships Begin with Three Little Things
Before we can connect with another person in a healthy, loving way, we need to be centered in ourselves. Jesus said it like this: “Strive first for the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33).
In Unity, we call this connecting to the Christ within. This process can be likened to seeking our authentic self, our true self, or our divine self. When we are more aware of our spiritual nature, we bring this awareness into our relationships. It becomes easier to see the Divine in others from our own authentic self.
Here are three little but important exercises you can do, ideally with another, to find this authentic place within:
1. Qualities
Jot down a short list of personal heroes or people you admire. They can be living or dead, historical or fictional. You may also pick aspects of nature such as trees, the ocean, rivers, lakes, Mother Earth, or anything you simply love.
Beside each one, briefly list the qualities you admire in them. For example, if one of your heroes is Superman, beside his name you might list strong or courageous. Use one or two words to identify the attributes or qualities you admire in those on your list—compassionate, faith-filled, trustworthy, and so on.
Now read over those qualities. The words you have identified for others describe how you experience the Christ within yourself—your divine, authentic self. These are some of the qualities you bring to your relationships.
When we have connected with who we truly are and seek to join with another in this divine place within, we are gathering with the very presence of God.
2. Gifts
Your authentic self, or the kingdom of heaven within, is the place in consciousness where your soul gifts lie. Your dreams and passions reveal the one you have come here to be. To identity your true gifts, reflect on the following questions:
- What have you always been good at your whole life?
- When have you felt one with your surroundings, one with others, having peak experiences?
- When have you been in the flow?
- What does success look like to you?
- What dreams have you always had? (They may be hiding below the surface or on the list of “someday maybe.”)
This inquiry reveals more useful information about your authentic self and how it wants to be known. Be open to receiving answers that may surprise you. These are the unique gifts you bring to the world and to relationships. Talk with your partner or anyone you are in a relationship with, speaking openly about these aspects of yourself that you have discovered. Ask them to share their gifts with you.
3. Holy Space
The third step is to create a holy space with another. Like the other two steps, this does not have to be difficult, and it reflects another teaching from Jesus: “Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them” (Matthew 18:20).
When we have connected with who we truly are and seek to join with another in this divine place within, we are gathering with the very presence of God. We are creating a holy place between us. Philosopher Martin Buber said, “When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.”
Unity teaches there are many aspects of God. Because there are so many, and because God is hard to define, we can focus on a few important facets of the Divine to bring the presence of God to our relationships. These are God as light, love, and life. As we practice through prayer, meditation, and discussion, we can connect with God by reflecting on these divine qualities within ourselves:
Pure, guiding light will enable each of us to know what to do.
Perfect love can transform everything unlike itself. Thus, love flowing between two or more can help us deal with conflict, find solutions that were not revealed before, and so much more.
Revitalizing life restores us to wholeness.
When we gather with other beings—be they of skin, feather, fur, or fin—we can bring these qualities to the holy space between us. Here, the presence of God is magnified, and in this gathering, we bless ourselves, others, and God in relationship. When we do this, we are blessing the world.