“Nonviolent communication aligns with Unity principles in that it is a practical way to live peace. There's no proselytizing. You model what you believe and in so doing engage others to do likewise,” says Unity minister Brian Walker.

Brian teaches nonviolent communication (or NVC) to students at Unity Village. The course features a four-step approach developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg of the Center for Nonviolent Communication. It stresses observation, feelings, needs, and requests. “To practice NVC you need to be able to understand the nature of your reactions to others. Rosenberg's model inspires connections by helping people differentiate between life-serving and life-alienating responses,” says Brian. Here is how he explains each step.

Step #1: Distinguish between observation and evaluation. Nonviolent communication requires observation. “Observation is the video cam—what your five senses are showing you about a person. Evaluation is the story we add on to what our senses are conveying. Evaluation isn't wrong, but confusing the two can create disconnects. For example, a life-serving response might be the observation ‘Your cheeks are red.' A life-alienating response might be the evaluation, ‘You are angry,'” says Brian.

Step #2: Distinguish between feeling and thinking. Nonviolent communication acknowledges feelings. This can be challenging for persons in Western cultures, where thinking is usually valued more than feeling. “NVC is about acquiring literacy of feelings—or learning how to listen not just with our heads but with our hearts,” says Brian. A quick way to tell the difference between “heart” and “head” statements is by the phrasing. I'm feeling like or I'm feeling that are life-alienating head statements. By contrast, a life-serving heart statement is simple and direct: I'm feeling (happy, sad, angry). Heart statements facilitate dialogue because they allow a speaker to own his or her emotions.

Step #3: Know the difference between a need and a strategy. Nonviolent communication recognizes universal human needs. “Needs run the gamut from basic survival requirements to freedom, love, and self-actualization. Strategies are what we do to get our needs met. If you confuse the two, you can shrink your universe from one of abundance to one of scarcity. For example, love is a need. People often have a strategy to meet this need by finding or holding on to the one ‘right' person. But the truth is you can fulfill the need for love by simply being open to it in your life. You can practice nonviolent communication by having an intention to be with someone in a new way, with empathy for their needs. Let go of your strategies. When you do, you reframe a relationship in a powerful, positive way,” says Brian.

Step #4: Know the difference between a request and a demand. Nonviolent communication seeks positive outcomes. A request is asking in an open, accepting way and trusting the universe to provide. A demand is asking in a way that says ‘no' is an unacceptable answer. “Demand always has a price to pay—it could be resentment, anger, or a behavior consequence. The key to understanding a ‘no' response is that there is always a need that the responder is saying yes to. If you can identify that need, you can make a heartfelt connection with the person. Too often we take the ‘no' personally and make judgments about others, who are simply meeting needs that don't coincide with ours,” says Brian.

By focusing your consciousness on what you are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting, nonviolent communication can help you transform how you express yourself and how you hear others. To learn more about the four-part model and Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's work at the Center for Nonviolent Communication, visit www.cnvc.org.

Unity has joined with the Association for Global New Thought to celebrate the Season for Nonviolence. For more on the Season for Nonviolence, visit the Association for Global New Thought at www.agnt.org.



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